Things Andrew Hussie Bought With My Credit Card

More Groupons!  Andrew is saving me money with these 99 dollar purchases that presumably include much more than that in savings.  I am a savvy consumer!

What have I bought for Andrew?  I’m not sure.  All I got was THIS PICTURE: 

Looks like… golf?  With up to 55% savings?  Using the Google Keywords of “golf mass $99 55% off stock photo dude +distracting_pockets_on_bum” I’ve uncovered THIS, which seems to be the very Groupon page Andrew was on!  MYSTERY SOLVED: he has purchased “Hickory Ridge Golf Club – South Amherst Round of Golf with Cart Rental for Two or Four (Up to 55% Off)”.

Okay I am not a guy who knows golf stuff but I am confused by the fact that this listing opens up with… Legendary Golf Lore?

When Atlantis fell, the only survivors were its golfers, whose vast knowledge of water hazards saw them to safety. 

Whaaaaaaat, Groupon you are just selling the chance to knock a ball around in a pretty park.  We do not need to bring myth and legend into this.  Or do we?  How else is this golf course described, and can it involve summoning and wizards?

Players immediately find themselves myriad obstacles on the first hole, a 509-yard par 5 with a lateral hazard running the length of the left side and an elevated green with an out-of-bounds area summoning errant shots beyond the pin.

Whoah this golf course is intense even if the wizards are a surprise so they don’t show up in the description.  But what if Andrew and his guest suck at golf?  Will they be, perhaps, physically abused by feet??

Before finishing the round, golfers must conquer the par 4 18th hole, which requires a long layup on the second shot and often sends unfocused golfers on their way with a bogey and a Kick Me sign as they complete the round.

At this point I thought we could check out what Hickory Ridge has to say for themselves.  But let’s not because their website is pretty dull and instead, let’s take a page from Andrew and check out that Social Media link!  FACEBOOK AHOY!!

Aaaand there’s nothing there.  Andrew you are giving me very little to work with here.  They’ve only joined Facebook this year and all the posts are by them saying “Hey golf!  Play some golf maybe!” so I broke in their wall with some “Andrew Advice” that constitutes their very first wall post ever!!!!!

Andrew I hope you have fun playing your game of swing stick!!

Andrew has spent $101.16 of my Canadian dollars on GroUpOn!  GroUpOn is a company that specializes in selling healthy products for children that they can grow up big and strong on!  You know, wheat and stuff.  Oats and carrots.  Hah hah just kidding that’s not how they capitalize it because it’s actually Groupon!

Groupon is the not-uncontroversial company that encourages companies to offer them deep discounts on stuff, which they then sell to their members!  Sounds pretty good for you, the consumer, right?  Only this dude says Groupon sucks for small business.  This dude credibly argues that Groupon functions as a loan shark for businesses!  And this lady says Groupon is actually screwing up Europe!  Whoah!  Andrew Hussie what are you doing with such a disreputable company??

oh you are driving A FERRARI in STADIUM. Okay I take it all back because This Is Totally Awesome. (new slang: “TITA”, as in “Dude you have to try new Pepsi TITA, because TITA”)

Those of you who read the fine print on this photograph of a computer screen which one human adult texted to another will see that there will be both THREE LAPS OF DRIVING and PHOTO OPPORTUNITIES which suggests to me that sometime in September, when this “group coupon” is valid, Andrew will be texting me some photos of him with the car and I will be posting them here.  MY FRIEND, I EXPECT NOTHING LESS THAN THIS:

DID YOU KNOW: the site I liberated that picture from is fastcoolcars.com and YES apparently eight-year-old kids CAN register domain names??  Fastcoolcars.com’s main competition appears to be coolcars.com but you can see how Fastcoolcar’s cars are both cool AND fast, so suck on that coolcars.com!

>

we all know it

Anyway I mention all this because a) I love how this whole internet culture of fast, cool cars all grab their logos from late-90s generate-your-own-logo sites and b) fastcoolcars.com saw fit to name this file “sexynails_car.jpg” so Andrew you are going to have to top that my friend.  SUGGESTIONS FOR FILENAMES TO USE WHEN SENDING ME DRIVING SHOTS:

1. sexyhats_okaycars.jpg
2. Andrew Hussie And Bucket Both On Hood Of Car.jpeg
3. real_horse_driving_expensive_car_NOT_A_FAKE.mpg 
4. hussienaps (fell asleep in back seat, it was a busy day).png
5. ManSteeringFranticallyWhileScreamingNOBRAKES - WOWWWWW.avi

The only downside of this is that the package comes “with instruction” and if you think ANY of my friends need instruction on how to drive the most decadent, borderline useless vehicles mankind has ever invented then PLEASE SHOW YOURSELF OUT because that’s all online cartoonists ever drive: insanely expensive cars, hovercrafts, and all love out of our relationships OH GOD

Last week I got a text message from Andrew explaining that Brandon Bird insisted he buy apple pie and ice cream.

I know as well has he does that when Brandon Bird rings a bell, you come running.

Here’s the photo:

Let’s take stock, shall we?

• One (1) Klondike Choco Taco (“One Cool Taco”)
• One (1) Dutch Apple Danish, sold by a cartoon chef from Cloverhill
• Several (>5) business cards for accident lawyers, available should he injure himself during the course of this purchase
• Several (>4) tins of Copenhagen Snuff
• also there’s a counter with a colossal cigar ad on it; weird

Andrew only bought the top two on the list, which is great, because I looked it up and this is honestly what you’re supposed to do with Copenhagen Snuff.  Hey ladies, you want to get all up on these lips?  Watch out for the stuff that looks like ground-up spider eggs, ladies.  That’s for flavour.  Come on, put your tongue in here.

Andrew mentioned in his text message that it was impossible to find apple pie which is why he ended up buying this substitutes in the first place, and MAN that kinda puts the whole “As American As Apple Pie” saying into question!  But it does suggest the more accurate “As American As Choco Tacos”, which IF YOU ARE HONEST TO YOURSELF YOU WILL ADMIT totally says “American cuisine” way better than apple pie ever did!  

So!  Researching Choco Tacos I find they have their own Wikipedia page which means MY RESEARCH IS DONE, BABY.  They were invented in the 80s (of course), the present an appearance “resembling a taco” (fair enough), they are sold at Taco Bell (why not) and in Italy they are known as Winner Taco Algida which is great because when they introduce them to Japan they can recycle that name without changing a single word!  Here’s an Italian ad for Winner Taco Algida where a dude eats one and turns into a CG Coca-Cola polar bear.  Enjoy.  Hopefully that never happens to you.

On to that Danish!  Here’s what the manufacturer says to recommend it to you, the Danish-hungry consumer, helpfully provided in point-form format by Cloverhill themselves!  It’s amazing because whoever wrote it clearly has no frigging clue what to say about this stupid Danish and so they’re reaching from the very first word:

•  Handheld, individually wrapped, great tasting Danish.

The fact that feel like they should explicitly specify you can hold this Danish in your hand before they even bother to get to how the thing tastes tells you all you need to know about the target market.  This is a Danish for people who are tired of Danishes that are so large they cannot be held in hands.  Cloverhill Dutch Apple Danishes: Look, Try Holding Them In Your Hands (TM).

• Great with coffee in the morning or for an afternoon snack. 

Awesome, thanks Cloverhill, I will be sure to do as you imply and avoid your products around noon and also not attempt to shoehorn them into a dinner banquet experience. (This sounds sarcastic but I am hereby actually promising never to host an insane dinner banquet built around Cloverhill’s Flavoured Dutch Apple Danishes)

• A variety of packaging styles to fit your needs. 

Remember the last time you were about to eat an amazing meal, but then the packaging just wasn’t your style?  Forget it, man.  Because now you’ve got a VARIETY.  Start living your life.

• Product weight variations range from 3-5 ounces.

I HULK OUT whenever I get a Danish and it’s <2 or >6 ounces different from the one I just ate, so this is TERRIFIC.  

• Our Big Texas® was named “Pastry of the Year”, by Automated
  Merchandiser, for the 5th consecutive year.

Okay, yes, if an honest-to-god robot loves this pastry then I take it all back, this is totally amazing

San Diego Comic Con was last week, and while I couldn’t go, tons of my friends did!  Including Andrew.

And what greater gift could one give to an absent friend then to throw a party for everyone, using that friend’s credit card to purchase an entire shopping cart full of beer and pop and hot dogs and chips and salsa and “cheesy made easy” pre-cooked macaroni and cheese??

There is no greater gift, my friends, and I feel like I got to be there after all.

This purchase is 5/5.

See, you’re thinking “India House?  Sounds like a restaurant” when you NEED to be thinking that it sounds more like this:

ANYWAY GUESS WHAT HUSSIE DIDN’T ABOUT 20 DOLLARS TO AN ETHNIC FRAT, HUSSIE ATE $17.07 OF INDIAN FOOD!!  Here’s what he got, transmitted to me via SMS “pix messagix” technology!

Now I’m no fooditician, but I’d say that looks like tandoori chicken, served sizzling over a bed of crisp onions and bell peppers, and man, an entrée like that would go great with a side of coconut korma sauce, a house green salad and a choice of saffron rice or naan.  And hey, here’s the menu! Nice!  Looks like that’s exactly what it is!

Check out the other India House offerings on the menu that Hussie considered and rejected: these include a lamb dish described as “exhilarating”, a lamb and chick-pea dish described as a “dynamic duet”, and a perky chicken dish that promises to enslave your frigging taste buds. THE MENU LITERALLY PROMISES TO FORCE PART OF YOUR BODY INTO SLAVERY.  This restaurant DOES NOT MESS AROUND.  

It makes TOTAL SENSE THAT ANDREW WOULD DINE HERE.

Looking at reviews of this place everybody says the same thing: amazing food but not cheap.  HEY GLAD I COULD HELP YOU OUT WITH THAT LAST BIT, CHAMP.  THIS ONE’S ON ME.  NO, NO, DON’T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.

So here’s the bad news: that tandoori chicken experience costs $15.95.  And my credit card bill shows that Andrew spent only $17.07.  That’s only a 7% tip!  I don’t know how you do it in American Land but here in Canada when it comes to tips we START at 15% and we go from there!  ”Who can be the most generous?” we say.  ”Let’s make the wait staff’s NIGHT here,” we say.  ”Let’s ensure that history never forgets the name… Table 4,” we shout, over and over and over again.  We throw down Queen Elizabeths IIs like they’re frigging Wilfred Lauriers. 

What’s going on, man?  You’re a good guy!  What’s happening??  It’s not even your money!  Go nuts!!

This purchase gets 5/5 for enslavement-inducing food and 0.35/5 for the 7% tip, see what I did there

UPDATE: Wait MA has a 6.25% sales tax that’s 7% in some towns so this is just the tax and Andrew probably tipped with a crisp hundred dollar bill of cold hard cash separately.  NEVERMIND I TAKE IT ALL BACK, WE COOL

Andrew, through his actions, has asked that we talk about donuts today (and in deference to the eponymous Donut Man himself, I’ll be going with the American spelling for this).  So here’s what they are: they are fried bread with sugar.  Wikipedia, in perhaps its most Wikipedia-esque phrase ever in time, says:

The two most common types are the toroidal ring doughnut and the filled doughnut, a flattened sphere injected with fruit preserves, cream, custard, or other sweet fillings.

Are you hungry yet??

I got a text message a few days ago with no text, just this:

It looks like he’s gone for - a maple-flavoured toroidal ring?  Maybe butterscotch.  Do they have those flavours in the States?  If not I’m honestly not sure what that colour is supposed to be, but since we’re in the United States of America, baby, it’s probably supposed to taste like Doritos® Cool Chill LaffyTaffy Xtreme Blast Featuring Marvel’s Amazing Spider-Man 3D In Theaters Everywhere.

The person he bought it from, The Mister or Misters Donut Man, doesn’t seem to be that awesome at building donuts for people to eat.  Here are some of the reviews I found:

• “oil tastes fresh and othere is only a small amount of chalky residue on your teeth”
• “I have bought donuts and muffins here many times throught the years but I will never return because of their unkindness to a child today.”
• “Those donuts are incredible I’ve never seen such a big donuts like those and it’s delicious specially the ones that has cinnamon. Generic Viagra Buy Viagra.”

So good on Hussie!  He supported a business that only does one thing and doesn’t do it super well all the time, giving them that “just one more chance” which we all crave (like when holding onto a failed or failing relationship I mean).  And the nice thing is the wrapping it came in probably ended up in the Trashpan he bought last week OH SNAP CONTINUITY!  That’s right, whatever happens on this tumblr happens in real life, and yes IF HE DIES ON THIS TUMBLR HE DIES IN REAL LIFE!!

ANYWAY IN CONCLUSION it’s probably too late for Andrew but if you look closely at that photograph you can see waxy residue on the right-hand side of that toroid (hopefully: toppings from another flattened sphere injected with fruit preserves??) which is kinda gross but it’s in his belly now, its food energy being converted into thoughts about imaginary trolls and children for your entertainment, and in the end isn’t that what really matters?????