Last week I got a text message from Andrew explaining that Brandon Bird insisted he buy apple pie and ice cream.
I know as well has he does that when Brandon Bird rings a bell, you come running.
Here’s the photo:
Let’s take stock, shall we?
- One (1) Klondike Choco Taco (“One Cool Taco”)
- One (1) Dutch Apple Danish, sold by a cartoon chef from Cloverhill
- Several (>5) business cards for accident lawyers, available should he injure himself during the course of this purchase
- Several (>4) tins of Copenhagen Snuff
- also there’s a counter with a colossal cigar ad on it; weird
Andrew only bought the top two on the list, which is great, because I looked it up and this is honestly what you’re supposed to do with Copenhagen Snuff. Hey ladies, you want to get all up on these lips? Watch out for the stuff that looks like ground-up spider eggs, ladies. That’s for flavour. Come on, put your tongue in here.
Andrew mentioned in his text message that it was impossible to find apple pie which is why he ended up buying this substitutes in the first place, and MAN that kinda puts the whole “As American As Apple Pie” saying into question! But it does suggest the more accurate “As American As Choco Tacos”, which IF YOU ARE HONEST TO YOURSELF YOU WILL ADMIT totally says “American cuisine” way better than apple pie ever did!
So! Researching Choco Tacos I find they have their own Wikipedia page which means MY RESEARCH IS DONE, BABY. They were invented in the 80s (of course), the present an appearance “resembling a taco” (fair enough), they are sold at Taco Bell (why not) and in Italy they are known as Winner Taco Algida which is great because when they introduce them to Japan they can recycle that name without changing a single word! Here’s an Italian ad for Winner Taco Algida where a dude eats one and turns into a CG Coca-Cola polar bear. Enjoy. Hopefully that never happens to you.
On to that Danish! Here’s what the manufacturer says to recommend it to you, the Danish-hungry consumer, helpfully provided in point-form format by Cloverhill themselves! It’s amazing because whoever wrote it clearly has no frigging clue what to say about this stupid Danish and so they’re reaching from the very first word:
- Handheld, individually wrapped, great tasting Danish.
The fact that feel like they should explicitly specify you can hold this Danish in your hand before they even bother to get to how the thing tastes tells you all you need to know about the target market. This is a Danish for people who are tired of Danishes that are so large they cannot be held in hands. Cloverhill Dutch Apple Danishes: Look, Try Holding Them In Your Hands (TM).
- Great with coffee in the morning or for an afternoon snack.
Awesome, thanks Cloverhill, I will be sure to do as you imply and avoid your products around noon and also not attempt to shoehorn them into a dinner banquet experience. (This sounds sarcastic but I am hereby actually promising never to host an insane dinner banquet built around Cloverhill’s Flavoured Dutch Apple Danishes)
- A variety of packaging styles to fit your needs.
Remember the last time you were about to eat an amazing meal, but then the packaging just wasn’t your style? Forget it, man. Because now you’ve got a VARIETY. Start living your life.
- Product weight variations range from 3-5 ounces.
I HULK OUT whenever I get a Danish and it’s <2 or >6 ounces different from the one I just ate, so this is TERRIFIC.
- Our Big Texas® was named “Pastry of the Year”, by Automated
Merchandiser, for the 5th consecutive year.
Okay, yes, if an honest-to-god robot loves this pastry then I take it all back, this is totally amazing